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(a.k.a. Everything you always wanted to know about Phatwa Factory, but were afraid to ask for fear of a Death Phatwaź)
Q: This is the funniest thing I've ever seen and I love you very
much.
A: Mama, I love you too, but this area is kind of for me to address questions my
customers might ask. Plus, that's not a question.
Q: Oh, sorry dear. Are you coming to visit us this weekend?
A: Insha'Allah. I'll leave after Jumu'ah.
Q: Ok, call me when you're on the highway. Love you. Assalamu Alaikum.
A: Insha'Allah. I love you too. Wa Alaikum Assalam.
Q: What do you sell here?
A: For right now, it's only t-shirts, but in the future we want to expand to
posters, greeting cards, bumper stickers and maybe small arms dealing.
Q: What kind of shirts do you use?
A: All of our shirts are 100% cotton. None of this 50/50 blend business. It's
like I always say, Polyester is for Polytheists. Actually, I never say that
because it doesn't make any sense. But cotton shirts are nicer than the blended
ones. They're softer and the ink used to make the t-shirts bonds to them better.
For real, the guy who makes the t-shirts told me. And he sells both, so I figure
he was telling the truth. Or just out of stock on the other ones.
Q: Will buying these shirts help me get a wife?
A: That depends, if I say yes, will you buy some?
Q: Are you kidding me? I'll buy 20.
A: In that case, trust me when I tell you that Muslim girls totally dig guys
wearing anything made by Phatwa Factory. Buy 30, just in case.
Q: How can I pay for these things?
A: We take Visa, MasterCard, Discover, American Express and PayPal. Your dua'a,
while appreciated, cannot be used to pay for your purchases.
Q: I received my shirts and they're too big/too small/not funny/poorly
made/possibly Haram and I want to return/exchange/burn them. What should I do?
A: Send an e-mail to obaida-SPAM-IS-THE-WAY-OF-THE-SHAYTAN-@phatwafactory.com and let us know what the problem
is. Unless you want to burn them. In that case, get plenty of lighter fluid. And
an Israeli flag. Might as well hit the stereotypes...
Q: I'm pretty sure your shirts are Haram. My uncle told me.
A: I'm pretty sure that's not a question. Say Salam to your uncle for me.
Q: You sometimes refer to yourself as 'I' and sometimes as 'we.' What's the deal with that?
A: I've got this huge ego and sometimes refer to myself in the
royal "we" tense. We're trying to be more humble. We don't think it's going very
well.
Q: Is it true this site is part of a massive Zionist conspiracy to
<insert ludicrous, far-fetched plot here>?
A: That depends, if I say no, will you believe me?
Q: Probably not, I've pretty much already made up my mind that it's true.
A: In that case, yes, it's true. How did you find out? Let me guess, an e-mail
from your 14-yr old cousin with the subject, "FWD: Fw: Forward: FW: Fwd: Re: PlZ
READ! u MUST frw this! OMG!!11one1!! Phatwa Factory R support teh
Yahoods!!!1111wahid11!!"
Q: Wow, how did you know that?
A: Random guess.
Q: I don't like this site, what should I do?
A: Probably not stay here and ask questions. Just a thought...
Q: I have a question that isn't answered here. What should I do?
A: Really? I thought I was pretty thorough. You can always e-mail me at
obaida-SPAM-IS-THE-WAY-OF-THE-SHAYTAN-@phatwafactory.com. We'd be happy to talk to you.
Oh yeah, I'm sure you already know this, but when you send us an e-mail, make
sure to take out the -SPAM-IS-THE-WAY-OF-THE-SHAYTAN- part. That's just in there to help us avoid SPAM. For truly, it is the way of The Shaytan.
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